In the deep of night, the moon hovers above shadowed clouds, white as alabaster. Silver shafts of pale light reach for the ground; the semi-darkness of nighttime has laid its hold on the world. Twisted trees, rickety fences, old houses: they have more stories to tell. They can hold the blackened heart of a nightmare, a horror that could end a lifetime. Street lights and alleyways could lead to criminals hidden in the depths of shadow, eagerly awaiting their prey. But maybe the night will hold an adventure with experiences so indelible and so vivid they will take your breath away, or a lover longing the comfort of company. In the dark you know nothing but somehow your imagination knows everything. It’s exhilarating, frightening, a waking dream.
In the grip of love, your heart races. Thoughts rush faster than blood. A euphoric dizziness sets in. You know nothing, yet somehow your emotions take over. They know everything. You might be helplessly lost in mystery but feelings pull you through your actions, guiding you towards deep desires. Suddenly life means more than ever before and the warmth of happiness is in your speech, your laughter, your eyes. The sweet mystery will always be there; you don’t know with your mind, the confidence and knowledge rests in your heart. It’s just like the night except the sun never rises, the surreality doesn’t fade.
That’s how I imagine it, anyway.
Please take what you will.
I’m young. I know everything.
I might never die.
A heavy noise cuts the air. It is something like the sound of peeling duct tape, yet slow and faded.
Cars drive by on wet pavement. They have places to go, people to see.
Somewhere deep within the heart, a girl sits alone. She’s a profound melancholy for reasons unfounded. She has nowhere to go.
Cars drive by on wet pavement, trying to get out of the rain.
Some things never change.
I still love the sound of rainstorm late at night as I lie awake in my bed. I still love the sight of a sky full of stars on a moonless night and the feel of hot water running down my neck in the shower. I’ll always love the smell of a woman’s delicate perfume and the undefinable taste of a cool glass of ice water on a hot summer day. All these little physical moments and memories will stay with me, simple and unchanging.
But then some things do change.
The way people you’ve known your whole life look at you or talk to you changes often. How people want you to be and how you want to be is never constant. Most of the things in your life will always be the same, but people are never the same. Sometimes people will just drop from your life without warning, or lose that light in their eye that you knew and loved. And then you can change too. You could turn that next corner in your life and become everything you had sworn you would never be. Does it ever stop? Or do you eventually become numb to it all, indifferent to who’s around you and who you really are at the core.
The physical things around me are my anchor and the people and my thoughts are the currents and tides coming and going, shifting me around. I can’t decide if I should let go. All I know is, either way, the storm of life will sweep me away someday. Where will I wash up? that’s the part that scares me.
who are You
to come down from
and name me Filth
who are You
to create and then
that which you designed
who are You
to demand of all
praise and love
by threat of Damnation
who are You
to make from
endless dark Peace
a bright ball of pain and suffering
who are You
who can be angry
jealous and selfish
who are You
to hand out Forgiveness
You must be forgiven
who are You
to create Hope
and then remove it all
with Divine Destruction
who are You
who are you
Nothing to me
is all I have Faith
“Thanks for comin’ out here.”
It was cold. A cloud of visible breath rose from his mouth into the starless night.
“I just wanted to say a few things, you know, about us.” There was something in his voice when he said ‘us.’ Something like uncertainty.
“Sure man, anything,” his friend replied, not showing any signs of uncertainty. His friend wasn’t just a friend though. He was a best friend.
“Okay, so, uh…” he trailed off, suddenly forgetting everything.
“Take your time buddy,” his best friend said, ever patient.
“Of all the friends I’ve had, none have ever given me such a profound sense of respect.” His best friend shrugged it off, “Of course, that’s what friends are for.”
“But…” He trailed off again. His best friend just looked at him this time.
“Remember when I’d spend the night here, way back when?” he said suddenly. They were standing outside his best friend’s house at the time. A gust of wind started up. The surrounding trees made whispers in the dark. He crossed his arms and shivered.
“Yeah, we’d stay up all night playing video games,” his best friend recalled, smiling.
“And I would always get too loud and excited about whatever we were playing, and I’d always wake up your mom, who would complain about my wall-penetrating voice,” he laughed, “and I would forget that whenever I lost a life or a race or whatever it was. Your poor mom hardly got any sleep whenever I was there. Or, here, I mean.” He looked at the ground and kicked his right toe into the moist grass beneath his feet. It didn’t really help him think. He didn’t know why he did that sometimes.
“Is this all you wanted to say?” his best friend asked.
“No, I…well whenever we were done playing games you would get in your bed and I’d lay on your couch and we would turn out the lights, leaving a crack in the door and the hall light on so it wouldn’t be too dark. But we wouldn’t sleep. We would talk to each other about everything we were thinking about or going through, be it religion or girls or school, as I stared at the ceiling. I can hardly think of other times in my life where someone would just listen to me so…honestly and completely, you know? And I would listen to you too. The conversations we’d have were so simple and true and we didn’t really care about all those little implications and junk that people worry about all the time in the real world when they talk to another person, see? I guess what I wanted to say was that I really miss that. Of all the things I miss about home these days, that’s one of the things I miss the most.” He looked his best friend in the face, smiling in a somewhat sad way.
“I guess I miss that too…” His best friend looked down at his feet.
“So, with that in mind, I wanted you to know that I’ll always love you as the best friend that you are to me. No matter where we go or where we end up, or whatever choices we make, I’ll love you and respect you. And if you ever want to talk to someone who will listen to you, who will talk with you like we used to, I’m just a phone call away. Always, as long as I’m not dead,” he exhaled, feeling relieved.
“Right. You know you can always call me too, bro,” his best friend grinned. “Now you know it’s freezing out here. Wanna get inside?”
“Yeah, just one more thing. Do you really consider me to be your best friend?” he muttered quickly. He was somehow anxious.
His best friend’s eyebrow shot up in a look of confusion. “Of course not.”
There was a moment of silence and stares. The eyebrow stayed up.
“I kid, I kid. Of course I do, I always will.” His best friend replaced the ridiculous look with with a simple half-smile. “Forever.”
It’s nights like these where it never stops. As the residual alcohol from the night’s ventures flows through my veins, I can’t avoid contemplation. What’s worth it? I always scramble for some answers and I always end up with the usual fare. Friends, family, love and all that. But is that it? I mean I’ve pretty much always had a loving family and friends I’m stuck to worse then glue (in a good way)(no really, like the best way possible). It’s just on nights like these that I feel like I don’t really love anyone enough even though so many people in my life really deserve it. I should think about them more but somehow I don’t. It seems like I could drop into some void away from everyone I know and just be apathetic about it. That scares me. The worst part is what I’ve done to the few women in my life. I always start out with good intentions, just wanting someone to love. But then I end up ditching them or fading out of their lives as soon as I come to the conclusion that it won’t work out anyway. Being as afraid of confrontation as I am, I don’t even try to explain. I just leave. What kind of asshole does that? I do that to friends too sometimes when I feel like being antisocial or I decide that spending time with them just isn’t worth it to me. Growing up I tended to think of myself as a nice kid that should be liked and all, but really I’ve just been this passive jerk my whole life. I guess it’s the result of a combination of fear of people’s feelings, awkwardness, pessimism and misguided priorities.
I’ve also always felt like there’s someone out there special I just need to find and hold onto and I’ll learn my lesson and my life will straighten out in this area. But how can that ever happen when I’m like this? I’ll probably just get nervous and avoid them or make some lame excuse like I always do. Just so I can be comfortable being like this because I’ve always been like this.
And here I am writing about me and my problems. Sure, these problems are essentially about how I am with other people but this whole thing I’ve written is just too selfish.
You shouldn’t read it.