My name is Nicholas.Posted: July 30, 2008
Now you may know me as that redhead kid that hungout with Taylor and David from grady, or that kid that hungout with Alex at Waltrip, or even Sarah’s bitch at HSPVA.
But allow me to tell you this; I am not an attachment, I am not a thing, I am not part of a group. I am myself, an individual. And allow me to tell you this; I fucking rock.
I came to this realization quite suddenly whilst sitting at my computer, staring into the moniter as if it would suddenly express a great truth, as I do every night. But tonight I was chatting with an old friend. A fellow epistrophe writer, Ananta. Now Ananta is a very close friend of mine. All through middle school and even now, going into my junior year of highschool, he has always been a fresh breathe of air. He’s one of the few people whom, after talking to, I feel compelled to say “thank you” because oh his mere conversational skills. We discuss many things; friends, school, everything from angry customers to litterary metaphors. And tonight, we discussed friends. We talked about a certain friend inpaticular. And while examining her personality, I realized something very true in myself. That though I seem constantly attached to someone, I’ve been lost lately. I’ve been unattached. I’ve been myself. Mainly because I’m never truer to myself then when I’m alone. When I’m with someone I feel compelled to act a certain way to keep that certain person constantly pleased. Ananta said to me,”I believe people do not change, but instead, slowly start to express their inner selves”. And so, I believe that I am actually becoming my inner self, an individual.
And I really enjoy who I am. Most people define who they are by what they do or by their abilities and skills. Which is ridiculous. Then I’d introduce myself as Icanputmatchesoutonmytongue, not Nick. See, I play several instruments, I attend an art school, I work at Starbucks, I like to go to shows because I love to dance and mosh and such, I watch a lot of movies, I read a lot of books, I constantly look tired, probably because I sleep like Tyler Durden, I smoke a lot of weed during summer but not during the school year, I can do a french inhale, I’ve been told I’m a good kisser, and oh yeah.. I make a mean grilled cheese. And all of these things, skills and habits, we’re done to at one point impress somebody. And you know what? I do have a lot of friends. A lot of people like hanging out with me. And all these habits and pointless talents. They don’t make me any cooler! They don’t actually define whether people want to be my friend or not. They’re just things. They do not define me. I am slowly beginning to learn who I am. And sadly, the best way to learn about who you are is to not think about it.
And let me tell you this. I don’t need people, I am an individual. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and cherish them deeply. But if you’re heading down a bad path, I am now aware of myself enough to know that I will not follow you.
I am an individual.
I will not follow you.
I am Nicholas.